LifeGem

I talked with Dianne during spring break, and she's onboard with my plan for Mom and Dad. We're going to get diamonds made out of their remains. Karen really missed out with Royal. I wonder how big of a diamond you can make with a horse carcass.

To be marketed in South Dakota

Commercial for South Dakota's latest investment opportunity.

The Swift name lives on

It is a HUGE boy. It was easy for me to tell right away that it was a boy. Kerri wanted to know why his penis was so pointed. You know, his penis is only 16 weeks along and he has not been circumcised. Give him a break.





This is almost a freaky as it gets, then you look at it color down below. I immediately think "Oh no, it is Skeletor. BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!" No really, he is pretty bony.






So here is a profile shot. You can see the face and everything. Yes, that is his nose, Gord. Yes, he got it from me. It was really cool because when they had the video going you could see his tongue moving as he swallowed the amniotic fluid.





So here are his official measurements. As you can see he is at or above the 90th percentile for being only 16 weeks and 1 day. If you look closely, it is really the same line so he could, in fact, be in the 10th percentile. He is only 5 oz. But "it" is a he and that is all that matters.




This is where it gets really freaky. While she was doing this, I kept thinking he was going to open his eyes, look at me, and then in true Swift fashion, give me the bird. Instead, he kept putting his hand infront of his face. Maybe he will be a boxer. Or maybe he is shielding himself from the ultrasonic waves boiling the gray matter in his brain.



Ahhh. The precious moment of my son cuddling up next to my wife's guts. When they actually had the split second of showing a frontal of his face, he looked like an alien or a pig. When you come across a hybrid of the two, you'll know what I am talking about. I will tell you this. Now that I had the chance to discover the sex of my unborn child and was revealed that it would be a son, I realized the process was totally worth it. However, had it been a girl, I would have bitched and moaned for 2 weeks about what a crock of shit that place was and its only purpose was to strip you of your hard earned money. I love you Anneke, McKenzie, Megan, and Casey.

Movie Genius

The definitive word on how Action Jackson is the greatest movie of all time. Here's a helpful chart.

Time to grow some veggies

I am so bored at work that I am going to talk about the fruits and vegetables that I am going to plant and grow over the next couple of months. I have also decided to expand my horizons and dabble in some limp wristed cultivation with flora and fauna like Gord. However, I have to do quite a bit to the soil. It is always fun to see beer cans under a few inches of dirt. It help me sleep sound at night when the rain is pounding on the roof and the wind whips by and I think, "I wonder how many drunk construction workers it took to build my house." Who knows, there might be one buried under the insulation up in the attic.

Using the guide Dad bought for me, I have selected out some hydrangeas, sunflowers, foxgloves, daisies, and others to brighten my other wise dull and dreary life. Oh wait, isn't that what my unborn child is supposed to do? Anyway, back on topic. I have to till the ground and mix in some good cow crap so it will resemble dirt. Maybe Greg will post some pictures of his first garden he is supposed to be growing this summer. (I buy my stuff here.) I really don't trust Lowe's or Home Depot with organic, living material since every plant Kerri bought at either location seems to have died while the seeds I bought from Park's produced more than I knew what to do with. (another side note: Seeing that Kerri may have the touch of death when it comes to living things, is she really the woman I want mothering my child?) I will post some pictures when I get home and take them.

Ken's got skills

While I'm sure the idea of Ken with kids scares us all, I do in fact have evidence that he's had some practice. As I recall, he didn't drop her or anything. Good times.

Just for fun, we'll also have another look back at crazy aunt Dianne and her mushroom hair.

Spring Break

Next week we'll be down at Mom and Dad's for spring break. Time to sic the kids on Dianne. Here's Dad and the smurfs at the aquarium, spring break 2003.

oh hell no!

so you are driving down first ave....singing away to music....sweet, there is el loco....




oh wait...no its not!!!!!





it is gone!!!! this sucks.

VW ads

Speaking of Google Video, if you haven't seen the new VW ads, you're missing out. If the older dude looks familiar, he plays Satan in Constantine.

VW ad #1

VW ad #2

VW ad #3

This one is good too. Leave to the Germans to work suicide bombing into an ad.

Freeway speeds

Here is the link and it shows some young people who form a line acros I-285 and drive the speed limit. (Incidently, it is 55mph and I-285 is just a huge loop around the city of Atlanta.)

It actually proves the ridiculous nature of a 55 mph speed limit. The other issue is the dozen or so speed traps along this freeway where even going with the flow of traffic in the slow lane puts you atleast at 65. Not that any of this is helped by the fact that, and it is a fact, Atlanta driver's all belong on the short yellow bus. I will never understand the logic behind "I am changing lanes/turning/merging/pulling over but I won't use my turn signal." The gene pool out here is chalk full of Darwin Award candidates and they all seem to be in front of me on the road.