Saturday, February 25, 2006

Fat Cat

I was thinking Sam was getting beefy, but now he looks positively wiry. This cat in China is 33 pounds.


Friday, February 24, 2006

Just when you think you have seen it all

What in the absolute hell is wrong with people. There are certain stages in a person's life that necessitate a thorough examination of priorities and values. Sometimes, you need to stop and ask yourself, "Why am I carrying a severed penis in my hand?" Or even "What am I doing with my life? I should have never quit my job at the YMCA." But even after the inquiry into ones soul and epiphanic awakening, why would you put a severed human penis into a microwave at the local quikimart. As if the crap that is heated up at your local AmPm isn't already classified as medical waste, someone had to go ahead and nuke some poor man's pride and joy.


Authorities are now investigating a strange incident in McKeesport. Someone brought a severed male body part to a Get-Go to heat up in the microwave, and now police are trying to find the culprit.

McKeesport Police say a man walked into the store, located on Fifth Avenue, and asked the clerk to use the microwave oven.

After the clerk noticed a strange smell coming from the microwave, she told police she opened the door and discovered human male genitalia wrapped in a paper towel cooking inside.

Lorena Bobbitt, the challenge has been issued, the gauntlet thrown.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

My Glock


The beauty of simplicity. This is my Glock 9 mm. At the time I was shopping around, some of the other handguns I tested I actually liked better. However, the thumb action saftey was built for a right hander so I ended up going with the Glock





As you can see, the safety is built into the trigger. Left or Right hander can used the trigger with equal efficiency. They come apart easily, clean easy, and also are extremely durable. I also like the composite grip and they are fairly lightweight. So run out and buy one today. They are made in Austria and also assembled about 40 minutes from my house in Smyrna, Ga.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Cause the weather outside is frightful

It's snowing again. I swear the gas company is gouging, so we keep the thermostat at around 64. It's time for sweatshirts indoors. Thank god for indoor pools.


The Great Pumpkin

In Ken's pics below, we've got some pretty big heads. But for sheer roundness, it's hard to beat Casey.


Saturday, February 11, 2006

Next, on a Very Special Swiftblog

I'd like to see the Very Special Episode brought back. These would make a hell of a compilation DVD.

Scroll down to the examples and check out the lists for Diff'rent Strokes and Facts of Life. Sweet Jesus what were Mom and Dad letting us watch? Arnold almost got molested? Tootie lured by kiddie porn? Clown rape?

Some of these are just bizarre.

Growing Pains - Mike's friend Boner drops out of school and enlists in the military.

Apparently during the 80's you could name kids "Boner"

And what's the deal with Family Ties?

Family Ties - A business associate of Steven's makes a pass at Mallory and is urged to seek professional help.

I need to start writing for television. The premise is good, but the ending needs work. I'm think of something along the lines of...

Family Ties - A business associate of Gordon's makes a pass at McKenzie and is urged to hold still while Gordon cuts off his dick.

Friday, February 10, 2006

World Press Photo of the Year

The World Press Photo of the Year gallery is online. Some are sad, but the first place for Sports Action is a shot of pure awesome.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

What is the Swift blog without old school pictures?


Ahhhh. Young love and 70's sideburns. The stuff the good ole' days were made of. They may look like hippies, but they were the farthest thing from it. Lessons in kindergarten from Gray's Anatomy on the biological functions of the human body to coming home from the library with as many books as your little arms could carry. The only drug we were exposed to was formaldehyde. There was nothing better than spending a day at the museum of Natural History; well, maybe eating homemade bread.




I think Susan was trained from birth to perfect the "disapproving stare" that only a mother can give you. Who can blame her when she had to babysit someone who would do this. Still, she is a great older sister. She always took care of us and brought home awesome boyfriends for us to play with. Once, I woke up to find a boyfriend sleeping in the bed below me. Waking up as teenage boy, you often awake with erections. Imagine that and then seeing a strange, grown man sleeping in the bed below you. It can be a little unnerving, to say the least. Rich, you scared the crap out of me that day.



If you ever need to see physical characteristics of what is neccessary of an older brother, here it is. Gordon is maybe 5 and looks like he is going to kick you in the nuts, or call you stupid, or both. That gaze is one of mental superiority and his willingness to use it to humiliate you. I still remember a phrase he used to use with me. "I am the only one who is allowed to beat you up."







Look at Karen. So pure. She once cried when she said "shit." I remember it so vividly. We were throwing rings into the pool and then diving in to get them before they touched the bottom. Karen accidently threw hers down at the other side of the pool. As she dove in, the word slipped from her mouth. She did not believe me when I told her as she got out of the pool. I think the shock on my face convinced her and she started to cry. If I ever needed an example, she was it. I think I will ride her coatails to the celestial kingdom.




How fitting that I am seated at the table. It also looks like I have a full diaper too. This was probably moments before I decided to moon the camera. Whenever someone says children are adorable, refer them to this picture. I have a butt chin and what looks like to be the beginning of man boobs.







Dianne always did love to talk. She still does now with everyone but her family. hahaha Actually, I just spoke to her today. She is probably practicing calling someone a retard. You would not think she would grow up and be a waiter, but then her sarcasm may actually be be lost on most individuals in this world. I was always a great day when she was around as part of the 4 amigos. Everything from dumpster diving at Holly Avenue and running from the janitors to bike rides over to the $.99 cent store to buy 4 candy bars for a dollar. Leaving her behind to go to college was like leaving behind my best friend.

More funny comics









This guy has some hilarious comics and this one tops the list.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Here's looking at you kid

I am a handsome son-of-a-bitch. That is why I choose this for the 100th post. I will let you use your imagination as to what is holding up the cowboy hat.











This is my son at 9 weeks and three days. Yes, it will be a son. The big mass is his head and you can kind of see arms and legs forming. At least I hope they are arms and legs and not flippers.





This is what HE is supposed to look like but the picture did not scan to well.