Remember to lock the office

Man, my work is boring. This is a recent story from an English grad student.


My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act

ME: Do do do do WHOA!

HALF-NAKED COUPLE IN MY OFFICE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

ME: What?

HALF-NAKED FEMALE: DON'T YOU KNOCK? (putting shirt back on)

ME: Before I come into my office?

HALF-NAKED MALE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! (buttoning pants)

ME: (starting to enjoy this) I have a student coming in two minutes. Finish up.

HALF-NAKED, BLUE-BALLED MALE: GO ALREADY!

ME: (closes door, waits one minute, knocks) Are you decent?

HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY! THIS IS PRIVATE! WE'RE BUSY!

ME: (holding the door half-open) I'm coming in.

HALF-NAKED MALE: STOP HARASSING US YOU PERVERT OR I'LL REPORT YOU!

ME: (still holding door) You'll report me for your having sex in my office?

HALF-NAKED MALE: GO THE FUCK AWAY!

ME: (still holding door) That's it. Put your clothes back on. You can't have sex in my office.

HALF-NAKED MALE: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COME IN HERE!

(my student walks up) MY STUDENT: What's going on?

ME: (still holding door) Some people are trying to have sex in my office. I keep interrupting them.

MY STUDENT: Are they really having sex in there?

HALF-NAKED MALE: THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

ME: (props open door with rubber stop) They're trying.

This continues for a couple more minutes. He shouts profanity, she starts crying, &c. About two minutes later the couple emerges and I get some nasty looks. Who am I to stop them from having sex in my office?