swiftblog

Muddy Buddy 2009

2009-07-03T11:23:00.001-07:00

On June 22, I participated in the Atlanta Muddy Buddy. It is a 5 mile, bike/running event with obstacles. You and a partner start where one mountain bikes and the other rides. Every mile, you complete an obstacle, switch to either running or biking, and keep going until you finish.

8 groups from the police department entered. Me and my partner wore our "missionary t-shirts. The shirts were white before the race. Out of the group, my partner (white helmet) and I won between the other officers with a time of 47:30. The other teams were all 51 mintes or higher.

Kerri and the boys came out to cheer me on. Maddox was being a stinker and did not want to be in any pictures so Bennett and I posed for a good picture. It is called the Muddy Buddy because you and your partner meet up and the last 50 yards is a mud pit where you crawl on your belly underneath a net to finish.

This was from the following Saturday where I was feeling a little too confident going down hill on my mountain bike. Luckily, the granite rocks were their to cushion my fall and keep me humble.

I was still able to finish the ride and the blood just dried in the wind on my leg. It is still just a series of scabs from the middle of my shin, my butt, and arm. This is what I am looking forward to on the family vacation to the lake. Keep up if you can.

Strawberry Jam and Anniversary

2009-06-07T14:12:00.001-07:00

It is always loads of fun to think about making jam until you get into it and somehow you forget that it is an all day process. We started picking strawberries at about 1030 in the morning, and finally got back to the house with all the supplies by about 2 in the afternoon.

Nothing says homemade jam like your 25 pound bag of sugar. Kerri did a great job of cutting all of the green tops and mushy spots out of the strawberries. That is probably the worst part. She hand mashed a little bit, but Dad was left with doing the 6 gallons of strawberries that we mash.

Maddox and Bennett were all about helping out. Bennett was already in bed at this point after having his strawberry/sugar filled day. Every time I turned around, Maddox had his whole face in the sauce or tongue in the masher telling me how good it was. Good thing we are not selling this retail.

After all said and done, there are about 27 big jars when you add the little ones together. That should keep us good for about a year. We went through 15 last year but Bennett only got started about halfway through the year. I figure Fatticus will be good for at least 12 jars by himself. I did not finsh until a little after 1 am.

And today is our anniversary. Happy 6 years. And a happy birthday to Gordon. Here is a present Maddox got us. Can you see what it is. Look close.

Lots of fun

2009-04-23T19:12:00.001-07:00

Look at the natural fisherman at only 2 1/2 years old. Too bad it is still only bait casting. I am going to have to start fly fishing soon so Maddox is not better than me by the time he is 5.

He had such a good time even though nothing was biting.

Bennett had much more important thing on his mind. Literally, his finger is touching brain matter.

Maddox did a superb job at Easter Egg hunting. I am still convincing Kerri of some more traditional egg baskets and someday we will get around to it.

Bennett the Pilferer. Whenever Maddox was away finding more eggs and left his basket unattended, Bennett would help himself to peanut butter m&m's and reeses peanut butter cups.

Some more pictures

2009-04-08T21:05:00.001-07:00

We got a crazy snow storm in March. The first real snow I have seen since I got here. Of course Maddox loved it and was extremely upset when it melted. Then he wanted to move to somewhere it snowed regularly.

Bennett was a joy as long as you were holding him. He kept slipping in the snow and his hands would get freezing cold.

What the hell kind of face is that?

Of course, Maddox rode the cardboard sled until it disintegrated. Bennett rode it a few times and then called it quits. I guess he didn't want to sled down some crazy-ass steep hill, hit the only bump on the hill sideways, and then roll uncontrollably like a log down the rest of the hill for another 100 yards. No guts, no glory kiddo.

You guys have been sucking lately

2009-04-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

What can I say, the hat runs in the genes.

Bennett does not quite like leaf jumping yet. It is a lot like water, he just sinks to the bottom of the pile.

However, he is a big fan of competitive leaf eating.

Maddox on the other hand, I could not throw high enough. Maybe he has a small streak of Calvin and Hobbes in him. Something about a leaf pile higher than your head and sailing 10 feet into the air and into the pile. He kept saying, "throw me in the sky, like the birds."

Because you have nothing better to do.

2009-02-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

You know you are bored if you decide to do this one day.

Now Gordon knows why he always posted more than I did. Always busy with something.

Fatticus can move

2008-12-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

So Bennett has finally decided to crawl.

And what does he crawl to? Not Mommy or Daddy or even a new toy. He crawls for food. What a shocker.

Christmas Stocking Names

2008-11-28T07:10:00.000-08:00

Since Mom was being lazy, she told me to figure out names for stockings (or just a family present because we don't really do stockings and haven't since 1999). The limit is $40. That includes shipping and whatever else. Try and think of a family gift. It really should not be to hard. We tried to video tape it for authenticity but Fatticus kept eating the paper slips with peoples names on it. So here they are written down, but rest assured they were pulled from metal mixing bowl for traditions sake.

Susan and Rich buy for Dianne
Gordon and Jen buy for Karen and Jason
Dianne buys for Gordon and Jen
Karen and Jason buy for Ken and Kerri
Ken and Kerri buy for Susan and Rich.

That means everyone should get mom and dad something. Maybe if they sent out emails with lists we would know what to get them. It is not like we read minds or anything. Send your own lists out so people can buy and ship in time for Christmas.

Hope everyone enjoyed roast beast for thanksgiving. It just isn't a thanksgiving without being able to pour the blood onto your mashed potatoes. YUMMMMMMMY!!!!

Belated vacation pics

2008-09-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

I've been busy with academy, and have neglected the blog. I managed to get some pics in the Flickr account of the Sawtooth and Yellowstone from this summer and last.

I'm kind of partial to this one. Casey's socks are a thing of wonder.

More pictures of California

2008-08-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

Maddox loved the Pacific. Here is the "I love the ocean" dance. We went to the beach three different times and he loved every minute of it. He would run straight into the waves without fear. Just wait till he can swim on his own and then we will swim to Catalina.

Here is Karen and Grant. Grant and Maddox would throw sand everywhere, especially on the towels just after we sat them down. Kerri and Dianne would have a hissy fit about sand getting on there precious blankets.

Here is Fatticus and Cozmo. Can you guess which one is 3 months older than the other? Bennett even weighed almost 4 pounds more than Cozmo. Not that you can't tell by the enormous cheeks that extend to his forehead or anything. Watch out Cozmo, Fatticus may roll over and each you as a midday snack.

Why the hell is mine the one who is naked and where did I adopt this hispanic boy. To make sure people know he was born in this country, I will buy him rebel flag pajamas and t-shirts.

Cozmo sure did like the double stuff oreos at the beach. Kerri would constantly remind me about only introducing 1 new food a week to Bennett. Riddle me this, how many new foods are in a small fistful of sand? Cosmo on the other hand would eat anything that was in front of him including anything Grnat or Maddox would drop while running around.

A view of things to come

2008-08-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

Because the best way to grill hot dogs over a fire at Huntington Beach is to use Dad's stainless steel, 3 prong spear. After all, it was brand new in 1964 and has been stored in immaculate condition in the garage.

What can I say, I love meat. Not to mention the flavor provided by those prongs. We in the Swift family appreciate only things that enliven the palate. The delicatessen dogs could only have been appreciated by someone who has experienced the rare, tender delight of expertly seasoned 14 year old frozen crow. CAW CAW Let me pass into the next world and out of this frozen hell. CAW. All said and done, I ate 4.

utah

2008-07-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

so mom and i went to utah for a few days. it was fun. we played with kittens and i taught kenzie how to pose for her future myspace page. she will be a pro by that time.

jesse james

2008-07-26T19:30:00.001-07:00

the new horse!

New pictures

2008-06-22T11:40:00.001-07:00

Well my kids are not old enough to go camping in Idaho or Yellowstone, but they are old enough to be obese and have man-boobs.

The pasty white kid on black velvet. So iconic. We might as well move to Provo.

This was the best picture we could get. Usually me or Kerri had to be standing by to catch Bennett as Maddox gave him the heave ho off of the chair.

Sometimes Dad is a little to loud or crazy, that is just to be expected. But there is no reason to throw that big bottom lip out there is it. Where is Kerri, I don't do crying.

Here is the big extended family shot of everyone who was at the blessing. Good times were had by all, especially Maddox, Anneke, Cameron, Megan, and Carrington. Bennett and Cosmo were just bumps on a log.

Let the camping begin

2008-06-22T00:31:00.000-07:00

What's everyone doing this year? Susan mentioned they're driving the RV through Yellowstone.

Tomorrow morning we leave for a week in the Sawtooth Rec. area in Idaho. We're checking out the campgrounds at Redfish Lake and the ones along the Salmon River like "Riverside".

Happy Birthday Scout!

2008-06-16T10:54:00.001-07:00

its scouts one year birthday today! while she excels in many things, she is a master at being a companion napper. as you can tell from the corpses below. i got her a stereo for her birthday. she loves it.

Stepfather 3

2008-06-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

We so need to rent this. Bob gets sucked into a woodchipper.

I also ran across a review that said that in this movie, Bob looks like "Conan O Brien with rabies".

I guess it is time

2008-05-20T19:44:00.001-07:00

So I guess Bennett is out of the ugly alien looking phase so i can now claim him in public as my own. He just loves every minute of life with his brother, can't you tell. He is a huge lardo. At his two month appointment, he weighed 14 lbs. The doctor thought he was breathing kind of fast but I assured the pediatrician when you have man boobs that big at such a young age, labored breathing is to be expected.

He is a lot easier to get to smile than Maddox. Maddox would not smile until he was almost one, and then only at me or Kerri. This guy will smile when he gets the obligatory cheek squeeze from his grandfather.

He were are into the second year of making strawberry jam. This was just last week and three gallons of strawberries yielded 14 jars of the best jam ever. Bennett just mainly slept in the car while we picked strawberries for 2 hours or so. The car only got to about 110 degrees so Bennett was alright. haha just kidding. He did sleep in the stroller out in the middle of a huge strawberry field while we all picked.

Like I said, push out a turd and you get a smile. He does cry a lot more than Maddox when his Mom is not around. My chest is not big enough to soothe Bennett like his Mom can.

Is Bennett more like me or Kerri? Well, I will let the evidence speak for itself. Does he sleep 14 hours a day like Kerri does. Absolutely. Does he whine and moan when things don't revolve around him, like Kerri? Every day. Does he say "Ken you never wash dishes" or "Take out the garbage" or "Your job is not safe" or "Ken, mow the lawn." Well, not yet but I am sure it is coming.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

Hey, Williams and Sonoma? Where the fuck is my Ebelskiver Pan. I ordered it 10 days ago. We're supposed to be making awesome Danish pancakes this morning you incompetent twits.

Happy Mother's Day everybody.

Dare to dream

2008-04-30T01:48:00.001-07:00

Sweet Jesus do I want one of these.

Kenneth is supposed to be shooting wild pigs, but instead that lazy bastard is working and raising children.

Great Porn Dragon

2008-04-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

Everybody, Tony Zirkle for Congress!

"I've been getting a flood of e-mails and phone calls, some of which include death threats, about my attempt to raise awareness of how the great porn dragon inspires Jews into pornography and prostitution and then, like the snake he is, turns the public against the Jews."

1. No, this is not a joke.
2. Yes, he said "great porn dragon".

Further down the page, we also find out he has innovative plans for "divorce aids", more commonly known as the North American Dildo.

I'm considering discussing divorce aids and my plans for a "Derrenger's for Dildos" policy to put guns in American women's hands instead of divorce aids.

Slow down buddy, I'm still all excited about finding a porn dragon. I thought Jen would be excited by the prospect of a free gun, but instead all I heard was "you can have my dildo when you pry it from my cold dead hand."

Swift Farm part 2

2008-04-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

More rolling hills.

Future driveway to a house.

This is where we will make moonshine.

Get drunk with all of the foxes.

And catch dad flyfishing for minnows.

Future sight of Swift Farms INC

2008-04-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

Here we have the future sight of Swift Farms. Growing some corn, raising a couple head of cattle for milk and meat purposes, horses, chickens, and whatever else we might fancy. Of course, we cannot forget our vegetable gardens or the fruit trees.

Who needs a swimming pool when you have a lovable pond. CANNONBALL!!!!.

More pictures of the land and streams located on the 48 acres. We would have to build a bridge over some of the creeks to get to the main part of the property.

Just think of the hills covered in snow that we could sled down.

More o the rolling land. Where will be the perfect place to build a house? Only time will tell.

news reporters getting owned...and a little girl...

2008-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

just to liven up a dead blog.

Someone's feeling snacky

2008-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

The perils of being a zoo vet.

Bennett Lawrence Swift

2008-03-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

Here he is, Bennett Lawrence Swift. Of course I have to put a couple of ugly pictures up because when they are first born, they look anything but human. He has all of his fingers and toes, weighs 8 lbs even, 19.5 inches long, and thin light brown hair. Kerri did great and looks good with her new short hair-do.

Bennett loves to sleep on his Dad's chest. He spent most of his time both nights in the hospital there on his chest if he was not breast feeding. It was nice having him sleep on my chest until he got hungry and then would start trying to suckle and then it was weird.

Here is the obligatory molester picture. What true Swift photo collection would be complete without it.

He is the family shot. When we first introduced Maddox, he looked at Bennett for about 30 seconds and then wanted to play with his soccer ball. True brotherly love, he already wants nothing to do with him. And yes, when someone asks him to initial something later on in life, he will initial it BS. I think that will be a fitting nickname.

random

2008-03-11T12:36:00.001-07:00

why it is so hard to make my bed.

good bye old apricot tree. your death was a sad one. hello new wimpy apricot tree! how i anticipate your goods.

a truly effective work space should have three calendars. technically four because you can't see the horse calendar next to the light switch in this picture.

i think this is a sign of what a great mother i will be some day... nothing says fun like plastic bag!

Lock up your horses

2008-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin man guilty of dead deer sex.

In addition to the whole, "sex with roadkill" thing, there's also this tidbit.

"Hathaway was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner’s consent. "

Georgia's Finest in action

2008-02-02T18:54:00.001-08:00

Well living in Alabama was an interesting experience. I felt while I was living there I couldn't make fun of other states, except Mississippi. Now that I'm in Florida I feel that Georgia is definitely fair game. Oh how glorious southern law enforcement is. In Florida I am more southern but out of "The South."

By the way today I put in some sod, went fishing in shorts and a t-shirt, it was in the upper 70's.

Shameless plug

2008-02-02T05:53:00.000-08:00

Kerri has begun to design her own baby books and sell them online. Tell your friends.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9247909

tom cruise parody

2008-01-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

i am surprised at how well jerry o'connell does this...

go jerry go!

she won't get out of it

2008-01-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

my cat wants to thank Karen for her best Christmas present.

A touch of snow

2008-01-23T02:52:00.000-08:00

Dad was wondering how much snow we got on Monday. Just a bit.

Pretending to be rich

2008-01-22T23:05:00.000-08:00

Good post on people using home equity lines of credit (HELOC) to pretend they're rich. Insanity.

http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/2008/01/21/pretending/

"So how did these people manage their mortgage debt? They bought the property in December 2001 for $328,000, and they had a $307,263 first mortgage. They put just over $20,000 of their own money into the deal. One year later, they opened a $80,000 HELOC. In 2004, they refinanced for $490,000 taking out about $180,000. Hopefully, they paid off the HELOC, at least temporarily. Later that year, they took out a new $30,000 HELOC. Then in July of 2005, they refinanced again for $650,000 with a 1% Option ARM. They have owned the house for less than 4 years at this point, and they have withdrawn $342,737. I guess this wasn’t enough, because later in 2005, they took out three more HELOCs for $24,000, $82,000 and $24,000 respectively. This property has at least $650,000 in mortgage debt, and assuming they took out and spent the HELOC money (it would be a continuation of their pattern,) they have over $750,000 in debt to pay off."

i love tom cruise...

2008-01-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

...for making mormons seem mild.

thank you sir

The best present

2008-01-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

I would just like to say thank you on behalf of Maddox for all of the wonderful gifts he received. However, there can only be one award and one recipient. And Maddox's favorite present award goes to....The Allart family. You have to watch the video to see why.

Undecorating, my favorite time of the year

2008-01-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

So there was never a picture of my great tree. It was a twelve footer and worth every cent, even though Kerri says it almost ended our marriage. Maddox decided it was imperative he climb up and help me string the lights. My tree was so impressive that the base would not hold it so I had to place 2 of my 45 pound dumbbells on the backside to keep it from falling over.

It was a good thing grumpa was here to help me take it down because Kerri kept using excuses like "I'm pregnant" and "I'm not supposed to lift heavy things being 6 1/2 months pregnant." Chicks are always full of excuses. But even on its side, its magnificence is apparent. Fare well old friend, till next year.

Another tradition I have done since we have had our house is chop up that tree and burn it on New Years eve. Maddox is busy taking a leak out in the woods. haha Actually, he is chasing Kerri's retarded cat out into the woods.

This is Maddox's version of undecorating; finding a small mud hole that the rain brought and play in it. But you can only do it if you are wearing your mom's favorite gap t-shirt.

It does not have to be big, but just deep enough to stomp around in and splash mud in. Instead of buying toys, I should have dug a hole and fille it in with water and let Maddox play in that. That is the new Christmas spirit, mud holes. The name I get next year for Christmas is getting some Georgia dirt and a gallon of water mailed out to them.

christmas time

2008-01-03T07:16:00.001-08:00

Late but better than nothing at all. Maddox and Grant had a blast playing on the slide, even though it was pretty cold outside. Maddox has his classic squinchy face going on that occurs any time he is outside and there is a camera.

Pops holding the two boys. The other 4 pictures they boys are looking at the camera but guess who has his eyes closed. Three guesses and the first two don't count.

Maddox got a car just like his pops for Christmas and he loved it. He loves scooting backwards because he hasn't quite figured out how to move forward.

Christmas day everyone but me (I was working) made a gingerbread house. Everyone got to do there own individual sides. Grant oversaw the construction.

Maddox and Aunt Dianne looking over the finished product. The house looks good but I am not sure about the two people in the picture. hahaha

I force my nephews to make memories

2007-12-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

clearly they loved every minute of it. maybe they were just scared of all the confederate flags blazing about.

First of Many Christmas pictures

2007-12-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Kerri was obsessed with having the boys take a bath together for some unknown reason. Maybe so we could take pictures of them and humiliate them later on. Well, let the humiliation commence.

Maddox ends up bonking Grant on the head with the toy. Grant's face is priceless.

Behold, the atheist's nightmare

2007-12-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

Face eating tumor

2007-12-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

Here's what religious dedication will get you.

A Jehovah's Witness who for decades refused all surgery on his horrific
facial disfigurement has been given hope by a British doctor and new medical
technology.

Unwilling to accept a blood transfusion, Jose Mestre has allowed the bloody
tumour that first appeared on his lip in adolescence to obliterate almost all of
his face.

Let us never speak of this again

2007-11-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

my life is boring and this is all i have at the moment...

2007-11-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

my cat is my pretty much like my child soooo, here is what she looks like all grown up.

so this is dad and my cat bonding while dad mixes leftover spaghetti into his salad. you can tell from the second picture how my cat doesn't really agree with his cuisine choice.

well, as people tend to just place their dishes in the sink without rinsing them out, my cat finds all sorts of treats to sustain herself.

also, you can't really read the newspaper with her because she has to go over and sit right on it and look at you.

she doesn't go outside at all, but if i do, she cries at the window so sometimes i take her out with me, but she gets a harness and a leash so if something spooks her, she cannot run away or anything.

and there is no faster way to dry a freshly washed cat.

...hmmm, i wasn't aware all i wore were black socks and victoria's secret underwear.

and here is mom and the cat watching tv. clearly both highly stimulated. and you can see out new flat screen in the background! let's have moment of silence for the 1985 mitsubishi dream that gave us all the after school cartoon shows. like tailspin and duck tales...until a parent came home and we jumped up and turned it off and ran about looking like we had been doing something other than watching tv.

Flying

2007-11-12T01:44:00.000-08:00

This might be the most fun looking thing I have ever seen. These base jumpers made a suit to help them glide away from the cliffs they jump from. Words don't do it justice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt692UuRMyg

Rambo

2007-11-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed First Blood, but unfortunately it appears the latest Rambo installment is going to be another flaming turd of a sequel.

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809833626/video/4686392

Octomouth

2007-10-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

New species of octopus. Seriously, not a photoshopped image.

Gross

2007-09-26T08:00:00.001-07:00

Since Kerri is sick she felt the need to do some cleaning. She said our fridge smelled and I told her she was full of crap. Turns out, the fridge was full of crap. For some reason, Kerri's buys a bunch of stuff and then forgets about it as it gets pushed to the back of the fridge. Noticed the wrinkled edges of the watermelon. It had been in there for about 3 weeks longer than it should have been

There is nothing wrong with this cream right? Except I bought it when everyone came out for Thanksgiving.... of '06.

Who keeps bile in a bag in the fridge? Kerri buys the strangest things at the store.

Who am I, Dr. Frankenstein? Nope, just the son of Camm Swift. Instead of crows in the freezer, there is a human heart in produce drawer of my fridge.

Birthday

2007-09-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some of the older pics of McKenzie, and it occurs to me that it's been a while since we've enjoyed a couple classics involving Dianne. Namely, "Dianne the serial killer", and "Dianne tortures a child, espisode I".

Headbutt!

2007-09-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

This is in a town pretty close to Conyers, so I call upon Kenneth to get us all the amusing details of the story of the guy who got beaten to death by an armless dude.

By the way, not my fault I don't have any pics up lately. Jen downloaded all of them to her laptop right after we got back, and then erased the card. That twit still hasn't given me a copies.

Ballbuster: Not just a nickname for Dianne

2007-09-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

So who's got the record for Ballbuster in this family?

A conversation with my 8 year old grandson

Grandson (GS): That's my friend Brandon.

Me: Where?

GS: He was going into that store. He has the record for ballbuster.

Me: Ballbuster? What is that?

GS: You get on the monkey bars and put your legs on
both sides of a bar like you are riding a horse, and then everyone pulls on your legs. Brandon had 11 guys pulling on his legs. That's a record.

Me: That is not good. I hope you don't do it.

GS: No. Just Brandon and Hunter do it. Brandon said
it made his balls purple.

Me: That is not good. Don't ever do that. It could make
it so you can't have babies.

GS: Pa! I'm a boy. I can't have babies.

Happy Birthday to Maddox

2007-08-30T07:14:00.001-07:00

Today, the 29th is Maddox's birthday and we went all out. Cake, balloons, streamers, clowns, the works. hahahaha yeah right. If I hope to raise my kid right, his next 9 birthdays will consist of slumber parties in a big tent with a bunch of his friends in sleeping bags and the occasional horse back ride at a near by elementary school preferably by a horse named Happy-Go-Lucky. No he is just like his Dad and likes to help weed in the garden

However, quite unlike his Dad, he feels the need to taste the composition of the soil to determine if the correct amount of fertilizer has been added. I think it has just the right amount of fecal matter Pops.

What a handsome looking kid. At one year old, life can only get better from here. Hopefully, he turns out to look more like Kerri because I got uglier with age and I started out as a pretty ugly kid. Kerri thought of a great tradition where instead of cards that ultimately get thrown away, we get a book that represents him from the last year and write our card in the book so he keeps it for a long time. My wife is great, isn't she.
A boy and his father sharing some delicious chocolate milk. Only one of us has the chocostache. When he looks up with those big blue eyes, you just can't say no to giving him chocolate milk, or bratwurst, or a small piece of your meat lovers Papa John's pizza.

Just like every Swift in the history of mankind, this one is an accident magnet. Take for instance a lovely evening in the bath playing turns into a game of how-hard-can-you-head-butt the porcelain tub. I am just glad he did not loose any teeth. Just like a Swift, he was told to "walk it off" and was fine in a matter of minutes. With ten fingers and ten toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, all his limbs and some teeth (due to having not grown in yet, not because they were knocked out), Maddox begins again at 1 and will hopefully continue on with as much success as ever. He had better because he will have a little brother soon enough to contend with.

who needs a human kid...

2007-08-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

I caught a cold and have spent my time on the couch when not at work. I have a trusty sidekick who Dad caught both yesterday and today sleeping with me...just like me.

Self Explanatory

2007-08-07T16:28:00.001-07:00

If you can't figure out what this video is about, you are mildly retarded. Everything is great here. Yes, Kerri is pregnant and yes we are having another boy. How do I know that you ask? The Lord blesses the righteous and between Kerri and I, we all know who is the more righteous one.

Camping

2007-08-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

I'll be away from email for a bit. We're heading out to Colter Bay in Grand Teton and Grant Village in Yellowstone for 10 days or so. Cell phones will probably work if anyone needs to reach me.

2007-08-04T03:26:00.001-07:00

Feeding babies

2007-07-26T08:16:00.001-07:00

What Ken needs to do is take some video of my personal favorite, "baby's first lemon".

Corn on the Cob

2007-07-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

Maddox is no longer into kiddie food. Whenever we decide to eat, he wants to eat our food and not his disgusting conglomerate of turkey/sweet potato puree.

So I just give him half of my corn on the cob. He loves to grind away at it. He likes it so much that he shoots me a dirty look if I put his down to take a bite of mine.

Soon, he is sick of relying on me and jams the whole thing in his mouth and proceeds to scrape all the corn off. Somehow that is more efficient to him.

The best part will be tomorrow when Kerri finds a corn on the cob in his diaper. hahaha

It runs in the family

2007-07-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

Here is Maddox playing police man in my take home car that sits in my driveway. He looks like a natural doesn't he. Ready to place handcuff on any piece of crap that looks at him the wrong way, just like Daddy. hahaha just kidding.

Flying down the road at break neck speeds, ready to jump out and chase down any criminal who decides to flee from officers. That's my boy.

If you are going to be a police officer, you have to have "the look." No further explanation needed.

Lets get real, if he truly is a Swift, the most likely place he will end up is in the back seat.

Just like his aunt, uncle, father, and grandfather before him, so must the prophecy be fulfilled.

July 4th

2007-07-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

So what did you guys end up doing? We did the usual buying of the humongous box of fireworks at Costco. Jen and the girls went to the city fair in the morning, and we hid from the heat in the afternoon until it cooled down enough to go outside and light off our stuff.

The Atlantic Ocean is now safe

2007-07-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

On a deep sea fishing trip in early June out of Myrtle Beach SC, I made waters safe for swimmers and had a tasty bowl of shark fin soup too.

I actually let future JAWS go in spirit of the man-cartilagenous fish bond.

While at Myrtle Beach we went to Alligator Adventure and got to see them feed the alligators, and Mandie faced her fear of carnivorous reptiles. All in all a fun trip.

Don't worry Mom, he won't be retarded

2007-06-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Mom is convinced that Maddox was going to have to wear a helmet and ride the short bus if he did not learn how to crawl. I kept telling her that Maddox was just going to skip crawling. He is obsessed with pulling himself up on everything and then lets go and balances for about 30 seconds before falling down and starting the whole process over again. So here is video evidence that Maddox is crawling and that both hemispheres of his brain are working properly.

The first one has a bit of a shadow so here is another one just in case Mom decides I used a stunt baby to placate her fears.

This, however, may prove Mom right. This is a game we like to play where I take a soft soccer ball and bounce it off Maddox's face. He loves every minute of it.

Think of it as early training on how to head a soccer ball. Use your forehead kid, not your face.

Suffer the little dinos to come unto me

2007-06-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

This picture I ran across makes me laugh every time. At the first debate for the Republican presidential candidates, three of them raised their hands when asked who didn't believe in evolution.

Walk it off

2007-06-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

Not your usual trip to the amusement park.

Not everyone gets to be an astronaut

2007-06-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

Science confirms the obvious.

Fly fishing season is upon us

2007-06-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

The girls are honing their skills. We're heading up to Big Cottonwood in a few minutes to try our luck.

kitten!

2007-06-17T20:29:00.001-07:00

I came out of work two nights ago and my car was parked way out in the boondocks of the mall parking lot. As I came to my car I heard a wee cry and there was this cute kitten!

...next to its dead mom cat. But one person's dead cat is another person's (me) acquisition of an awsome kitten. Shim is great! It follows me everywhere, sleeps in the crook of my neck, took only one day to potty train the little rat thing, sits on my lap while I eat dinner, and on my shoulder while I go grocery shopping or run errands. I love it.

but now it needs a name and mom's suggestions pretty much blow...

woody?

grillbo? ...because i found him outside of my restaurant, Woodranch BBQ and Grill.

Thank you Judge Sauer

2007-06-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Surely I'm not the only one getting a warm fuzzy from Paris going back to jail.

Happy Birthday To Me

2007-06-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

What have I done so far? Nothing! Ha!

Thanks for the emails and messages. We're going out this weekend as both Jen and I had to work today. The girls are out of school now and can dedicate themselves to harassing me full time.

Also, make the world a better place by sending someone a card that's 110 percent awesome.

Making Jam

2007-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

So after seeing Dianne create some old fashioned strawberry jam, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make some of my own. We went real old school though. We went out to a field and picked our own. We picked two one gallon buckets worth. Of course, Kerri forgot to charge the battery on the camera so while we were there, the camera did not work. Instead, we took pictures on our front porch swing where Maddox enjoyed his first ever strawberry.

Can you tell how much he absolutely loves it? He makes that faces every time he stuffs new food into his mouth. Lets hope he gets it under control by the time he is trying some of his mothers dinners. hahaha Just kidding. We all know it is me who makes dinner anyway.

A great picture of me stirring in all of the pectin, lemon juice, and whatever else I felt like strawberry jam should have in it. I call it jam surprise. When you come out to visit, your jam might have something you never expected to find in it, or even something you never thought was edible to begin with. hahaha

My beautiful wife crushing strawberries like a crazy person. She gave up shortly after this and I crushed while she stirred every 5 minutes. I am going to get it when she finds this particular picture posted on the blog.

And TADAAA! There you have it. Nine perfect jars of the greatest jam ever. Hopefully, Kerri, Maddox and I will be able to eat it all by next year so we can do it all over again.

Building Block

2007-05-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

Awesome quote of the day comes to us from Frank Zappa.

"Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."

Oh sweet black liquid love

2007-05-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

Coffee, is there no boundary to your greatness?

Also, spring break pictures.

Do you believe in Reincarnation?

2007-04-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does Bailey look eerily like a reincarnation of Muffy.

the doggies!

2007-04-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

jimmy!

haha, mostly me but some of bailey

my face is like that because i do not like my makeup being washed off by a tongue.

group hug...group smelly hug.

they both always have to be licking you...its gross!

Little Willy

2007-04-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

Here he is, Ian William White. Since Greg is still running Windows 95 on his computer with a 28.8k internet connection, I am going to post the pictures of his kid. Of course, I an has the alien newborn look that all kids do. To bad he doesn't have the cone shaped head like Maddox did when the used the vacuum on his skull.

Ohh, what a beautiful child. And what a piece of crap friend I am. I still have not been out to see him. I think Greg said he weighed 7 lbs 6 oz and was like 34 inches long. hahahaha. No, I can't remember how long so I just made something up. Probable like 22 inches or something regular like that.

Look at the twins.

To bad Maddox would not take a pacifier. I bet life is a lot easier with one. I wanted to wrap duct tape around Maddox's head to hold it in his mouth but Kerri was against that. Mothers are always coddling their kids like that.

Here is the newest addition posing with his namesake. The freaky thing is that Ian is smiling. Well, he is healthy and strong with no problems. I am sure Greg will fill in some comments of stuff I have left out.

easter

2007-04-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

jam for the rolls. soooo good.

thank you baby lamb for dying for me.

Centipede attack

2007-04-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

So I don't have the spring break pics uploaded yet. Sue me. Tomorrow's my day off, so I'll try and get it done.

In the meantime, I bring you centipede eating a mouse, and centipede eating a bat.

Easter Dinner

2007-04-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

After talking to Dad, Mom, and Dianne about the leg of lamb they were having for Easter dinner and the homemade strawberry jam Dianne made the other day, I thought would post pictures of my holiday dinner. Scrumptious!

Oh yeah, the blog

2007-04-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

Man, three weeks with no posts. I've got to keep on this thing. I've been busy with some personal stuff, but I don't know what the hell Ken's excuse is. I've seen those patrol cars, they have laptops now. Would it kill him to put the donut down and post once in a while? I think not. And Dianne could at least post some freaky tattoo pics or something.

We had a good time down at Mom and Dad's during spring break. I'll upload the pictures into the Flickr account this weekend. Took Jen and the mini Jens whale watching for the first time, and they had a blast. The girls have been climbing machines at the new gym lately, are getting stronger each week. Kenzie insists on flexing her arm and making me feel her muscles after each session.

I should have pics up by tomorrow. I swear.

Back from the Dead

2007-03-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Done at last. After 10 weeks of studying, lots of physical training, firearms, defensive tactics, and emergency vehicle driving, I graduated. I report Monday for my first day on the job. Maddox was screaming throughout the whole graduation ceremony. That is why I have not posted very much of anything or commented on other stuff. But when you are waking up at 430 every morning and not getting home until 6 at night with studying and papers to write, you do not have time for anything else. I still have a fair amount of bruises from learning take downs and pain compliance techniques and that was Tuesday of last week.

In case you can't tell already from the other pictures, yes, I have shaved my head. And yes, Kerri absolutely hates it. She is making me sleep in the guest bedroom until it grows back. Marriage is great, other than that. Just kidding, but Kerri really does think I am ugly with a shaved head. She keeps muttering "nasty moles" and looking at my head.

I had a ton of fun at the Academy. There was a lot of yelling, in your face drill instructors for the first 4 or 5 weeks to weed out the losers but it was a great experience. I learned a great deal and I am ready as I will ever be to patrol the streets.

This was the most fun portion of the emergency driving course that we had to take. The others were braking and swerving, a skid pad that included a huge Teflon coated area with sprinklers to practice regaining control, and taking 2 and 4 wheels off the road(a six inch curb) and back on while going 45, 55, and 65 mph. All of these things were completed driving crown vics with roll cages and helmets but the one pictured was the cone course. 893 cones make up the straight lines the we have to drive through. These cones, when driving in the middle, were about 12 to 16 inches wider that the actual car. Where the lines are dashed, you are driving in reverse. The whole course is 1/4 mile long and you have to complete the course in a time between 2 minutes and 45 seconds and 3 minutes and 30 seconds without touching a cone. And right there in the beginning is parallel parking on both sides. It was a lot of fun driving like a maniac and trying to avoid cones. If you don't pass, you can't graduate. More later.

I gotta get me some Krispy Kreme

2007-03-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you're too lazy to take a good look at the pic you've just ripped off from a Google search to do a newscast. Pay attention to the small print.

Belated Christmas Pictures

2007-03-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

I've got a few Christmas pics of Dad and the girls decorating cookies. We're going to be heading down to L.A. in a couple weeks to hassle Mom, Dad, and Dianne.

Work

2007-02-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

This pretty much sums up my interactions with management.

He is not that bad...promise

2007-02-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

It looks like I, Kerri, will have to update the family since Ken is so busy these days. Judy, these pictures are for you so you don't have to be ashamed of your grandson anymore.
Although you might be ashamed of your son. He keeps his hair so short now that you can see all the moles in his head! gross.

I'm feeling warm and fuzzy

2007-02-08T02:18:00.000-08:00

Let's be friends.

Super Bowl

2007-02-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit torn. While Peyton Manning is a whiny bitch who I would like to see lose via a series of bone crushing sacks, one of Jen's cousins from Idaho is a linebacker on the Colts, and it would be awesome to see him get a ring.

In other news, technology rules.

Beavers, not Hooters

2007-02-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

A quality article from AP.

"Hooters executives want just one restaurant in Troy, but the company won't close the old one until it's allowed to serve alcohol at the new restaurant, which opened Monday on a larger, more visible site."

"Critics are concerned that the restaurants' scantily clad servers don't fit the image the city seeks to project in its Big Beaver commercial district."

His and hers, by Ruger

2007-01-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

Jen's GP100 in .357 magnum, and my Super Redhawk in .454 Casull.

2007-01-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

i love this note i found in my picture box. it is essentially what all us swift's were like...well except karen, teachers loved her. i could pass the damn tests just fine but i had to do a certain amount of extra work to get an "A" in math? what kind of logic is that? make the kids too stupid to pass the test do extra work, the practice will be good for them, not just a waste of time. i had some intense reading like christopher pike and r.l. stine books to get to the bottom of.

proof ken is not gay

2007-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

wait a minute...

Charge

2007-01-07T23:03:00.000-08:00

Hog hunting is the poor man's safari. Wild hogs get pretty big, and often charge the hunter. Here's how not to do it. Note how close the dude comes to shooting his friend falling down the slope.

No, the blog is not dead

2007-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

I've just been busy. My wife has been oppressing me by making me paint. Today, I bring you the awesomeness of Akwid, whose music video genius combines the use of tuba along with chicks wrestling.

Goodbye to the old, Hello to the new

2006-12-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

Just to let everyone know, I finished up my last day at Grainger Wednesday the 20th and started my new job as a police officer Thursday the 21st.

A small problem in the subcontinent

2006-12-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

3-5 centimeters to be exact

Here's what an important medical investigation revealed. Evidently even though India is poised to become the most populous country they have smaller equipment in thier toolbelt than other countries. Some of my friends in medical school here say that it has become quite a discussion topic as some of them are foreigners from India. One more reason I'm happy who I am.

Christmas in the Joker's palace

2006-12-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

No pic yet, but we're currently scraping wallpaper and all that good stuff so we can get some painting done upstairs. I also cut a big doorway into that wall separating the living room and kitchen so it would be more great roomy in there. A lesser man might let his ignorance of carpentry give him pause, but not I. Fortunately it's not a load bearing wall, so there's limits to how badly things can go wrong. We're painting the kitchen and living room yellow, and we're putting grey carpet in the upstairs. But, the carpet guys don't come to install until Jan. 9th, so anyone who's coming over at Christmas, be prepared for seizure inducing yellow walls with maroon floors.

Watch this

2006-12-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

Awesome

Thanksgiving Volume II

2006-11-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

Here is what my kid does. He cries if you do not stand up and walk with him. Grant just sits there, oblivious to anyone crying around him. But since my kid demands you walk around with him, you can well imagine how much arm time he got with grandma. I had to hurry and take this picture before she passed him to someone else.

Cosmo and I had a blast. Well, maybe I had more fun than he did. But at least I helped him light his very first fire. We had fires almost every night and for some reason, he wanted to climb right in every time.

Speaking of fire, here is the king of the fireplace himself. Just like the king of the jungle lord over their kill, so does this king. You can see the look in his eye as he hunches over and devours his fresh kill of apple pie and vanilla bean ice cream. It is good to be the king.

If you don't believe me when I say my kid does not like to sit still, here is another fantastic shot full of enthusiasm and infantile joy. Or maybe he is just passing a kidney stone. I think he already has the famous Camm Swift F-you stare down pretty well, don't you?

What kind of father would I be if I did not post yet another photo of my beautiful boy staring up at a toy. I will let you come up with your own southern adjectives to describe the look on my boy's face.

Thanksgiving Volume I

2006-11-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

Here is Dianne doing her Auntly duties and hanging out with the nieces and nephews. Don't be fooled if you see her in that outfit more than once. She probably wore it almost everyday. She kept saying it was her jogging suit but I only ever saw her jog for her can of Sobe. hahaha

Here is mother dearest whisking her way into Rich's heart with her homemade gravy. I wanted to pour the blood of the roast on my mashed potatoes but noooo. I thought she did a much better job of making rolls.

So here was our feast. Sure Kerri made some delicious squash and green bean casseroles but please. Nothing can compete with the roast. Even the scrumptious butterball hangs his head in shame next to the almighty cow. Kneel before BOVINE, god of all meats.

This was my plate. I think I have been hanging out in the South for too long.

Like father like son, with a full paunch there is only one thing you can do.

Midgets vs. Lion

2006-11-30T15:41:00.000-08:00

Lion 1, Midgets 0

Christmas is coming

2006-11-28T02:05:00.000-08:00

I need to scan the latest soccer and school pics, but since Christmas is coming I threw up some Christmas pics of the girls and their cousins from Christmas 2003 and 2001.